January 1st – A time to reflect

January 1st – A time to reflect.

To be very honest I have never been a huge fan of New Years Eve. No matter what age, who I was with, I have always found it an emotional time.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy, but it is just a time of year for me that stirs up many emotions, including joy, fear, happiness, sadness, hope, disappointment. I gave up making resolutions at an early age, realizing that when they didn’t happen I would feel terrible, so why set yourself up for failure. But instead I would decide on small things I wanted to do, see, create. Several things, so that when I reflected on the year I found I had always achieved something, if not all of them. That felt so much better.

Today I am sharing a personal story.  Last year I had a pretty major life event and it changed many things in my life. After 20 years I separated from my husband. That bit is fine, it was my decision but what hit me the most was how other people handled it. And how as a now mature single person I apparently do not fit into society.

I am thankful and grateful to have some wonderful friends in my life. They know who they are, and they have been there with support, shoulders to cry on, a friendly text or phone call. Checking in on me and making sure I am doing ok. True dear friends that I never want to change.

Then there are the friends who I thought I had that suddenly disappeared. Not a word. I was angry at first, then the anger turned to upset as I believed clearly I was not a nice enough person. That I was nothing without my ex husband. As an introvert I was the quieter one in the marriage and so all those inferiorities I once had about being different, not being accepted, not being liked all came flooding back.  I sank into my own little pity party as I sat New Years Eve alone at home.  I cried. Alot.  And it was exactly what I needed to do. Sometimes you need to let it all out. Then I decided to forgive these people whom I thought were my friends. I realized they are the weak ones. The ones who could not handle the change in my circumstance, did not know what to do, maybe felt they had to take sides. I decided that I did not need that kind of friendship and that I certainly should not waste any more tears on them. SO i forgave them and will move on.

You see, I understand that I am no longer a couple, I am a single person. Most activities revolve around couples and family and when you have neither (my family are all back in the uk) it seems you do not fit in anywhere. The holidays are indeed the worst time for being alone but I have no intention of gate crashing anyone elses relationship, being that unwanted third wheel. I can handle that even if its a little sad and scary right now.

So instead of spending New Years watching others get drunk in a room full of people I barely knew, I reflected on what was good about 2017. My list was long, much longer than I thought it would be. From work accomplishments, personal achievements, health, challenges I overcame, it went on and on. By the time I had finished I realized I had a pretty good year despite my separation. I then went on to list what I wanted my 2018 to be like. No resolutions, just what I wanted to see happening, things I want to see and do. Writing this blog post was one of those things and look I have already done it and its only January 1st!

So thank you 2017 for opening my eyes. They say in times of trouble you find out who your real friends are and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the lessons learned, hard as they were, that will make me a stronger, better person.

And welcome 2018. I look forward to new challenges, new experiences, new friends and falling in love with myself all over again.

Happy New Year!

JJ

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